The Secret Diary of Gimli son of Gloin
by ElfWarrior
Summary: In this story, I ruthlessly, mercilessly make fun of our favorite dwarf. So far, only for FOTR (that part's complete), but if I get enough reviews, maybe I'll do TTT (hint, hint)...


1 The Secret Diary of Gimli son of Gloin  
  
Note/Disclaimer:  
  
The following is not 100% accurate, hopping back and forth between book and movie. All words with the letter 'R' in them have been edited from Gimli's original speech for clarity. None of the characters are mine (I wish!). I think I forgot to say that on my other story (oops!).  
  
2 Entry I  
  
Got sent off with Dad and a few other guys to a council at Rivendell. Dad went there once, says it was nice for an elf's house. Gonna take us a while to get there.  
  
2.1 Entry II  
  
OK, we're here. Have to go to Council (Dad says it's spelled with a capital 'C').  
  
2.1.1 Later  
  
Stupid One Ring wouldn't break! Slammed my second-best axe onto it and the durn thing shattered, but the durn Ring just sat there and said stuff in Mordor-ian! Shoddy craftsmanship on my axe's behalf. Volunteered to guard this shrimpy guy who's even shorter than me. He's the Ringbearer, and the world is in his hands. His friend showed me a videotape of him at a party dancing. I freaked. He has to save the world, and he dances like a chicken, only worse. There's a whole bunch of other guards, but I don't know if we'll be enough. That wizard guy Dad traveled with, Gandalf the Gray, he's coming. And the king-ranger-dude Aragorn is representing the race of Men. He's not so bad. And there's three other shrimps, besides Frodo the Ringbearer: Pippin, Sam, and Merry. That's a girl's name. At last, I am no longer the shortest one! Anyway, there's also this really annoying guy named Boromir, who's from Gondor. He's the kind of guy you want to beat the you-know-what out of. He wants to use the Ring—wake up, genius! Don't know why he's coming; we've already got Aragorn. And of course, the elves just had to have their say. This one who was too gorgeous for his own good (I'm not jealous) got up and argued with me. I'm not jealous of his looks. Really, I'm not. He's an elf. He doesn't even have a beard. I'm not jealous. I'm not! Of course, he's the one who's coming with us. Legolas Greenleaf is his name. He's a prince. We're going to go throw the Ring into a volcano in Mordor. Don't see why it has to be that volcano. There're plenty of other ones in more convenient locations, I'm sure...  
  
3 Entry III  
  
Stupid Gandalf won't let us go through Moria. Have to cross stupid Caradhras. I want to go see cousin Balin!  
  
I'm annoyed with stupid Legolas. He just sits around and looks good all the time like a typical elf. I'm not jealous of his looks. Not one bit. He just sings all the time and jumps out of trees in front of me. Driving me nuts.  
  
Elves never do anything! I don't think they'd be good with those big fancy bows if they shot them. In fact, I'm going to tell Legolas that.  
  
3.1.1 Later  
  
He shot a page out of my hands.  
  
4 Entry IV  
  
Maybe the shrimp isn't so bad. We're going through Moria! Because he said so! Legolas doesn't want to go; I can tell. Stupid elf. I'm not jealous of his looks.  
  
5 Entry V  
  
Balin's dead! WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!  
  
6 Entry VI  
  
Wow. Went through Moria, Gandalf died, and Legolas sure can shoot! I'm thinking maybe he's not a bad sort, for an elf. I'm not jealous of him.  
  
That Boromir, he's even more annoying than Legolas, who's kinda lightened up. Dumb guy keeps eyeing Shrimp-Ringbearer-Frodo nastily. I'm fond of the shrimps because they're guys I can finally look down on.  
  
7 Entry VII  
  
Ended up in elf wood, Lothlòrien. Pretty trees, I guess. Legolas is loving every minute of this, and so am I, because there's this elf-queen here named Galadriel, and she's just...oh, god, I'm in love.  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! What am I saying?! I'm a dwarf! I can't be in love with an elf! There has to be a rational explanation for the reason I keep dancing around and singing in dwarven and throwing flowers!  
  
8 Entry VIII  
  
Well, I've admitted the truth to myself. I'm in love with an elf. Hey, that rhymes! Legolas guessed, I think, but he hasn't made fun of me at all. He must be distantly related to Galadriel...sigh. And I'm not jealous of his looks.  
  
9 Entry IX  
  
I'm sad, because we had to leave today. Galadriel gave us all presents, and it was just like Christmas! I got a lock of her hair. Isn't that great?! Legolas got a cool bow and a whole bunch of arrows. I'm not jealous of his looks.  
  
10 Entry X  
  
I think I'm turning into an elf! First the Galadriel thing, and now Legolas is my best friend! Yes, Legolas is my friend. I'm still not jealous of his looks, and now he, Aragorn, and I are off to find Merry and Pippin cuz we got in a big fight with a bunch of orcs and Boromir got killed. Boo hoo. Frodo and Sam went off to destroy the Ring. Poor shrimps. Oh, well. Legolas says that if I don't stop scribbling he'll shoot all the pages out and we have to get going.  
  
10.1.1 Later  
  
Aragorn sliced all the pages out with his peacemaker. Guess I can't write anymore. Oh, well. I'm sick of Legolas' comments anway. 


End file.
